can u get pink eye on your cock?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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