I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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