I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
