So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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