hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
