i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
