theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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