In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
