there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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