Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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