You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize