I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
