dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
