my phone needs a breathalizer
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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