I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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