I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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