I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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