Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
