Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
another moral hangover. fuck.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
