I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
