I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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