I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
