My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The adults are the big ones right?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
