ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
