watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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