I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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