when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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