Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
