Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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