Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
