i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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