I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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