Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
