is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize