OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
