what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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