I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
