Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
