i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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