I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you inspire me to be a worse person
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Is Oprah even human
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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