So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize