look no pants
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
