I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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