I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
it hurts more in the daytime
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
