I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
