i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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