I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
