if you like me you must not know who I am
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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