he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
