when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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