This is not my ceiling
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize