My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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