please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
