i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I haven't been this sober since birth.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
