My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
