CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
