Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
