I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
