I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
