I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
