I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
