dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
