I think im going to throw up on grandma
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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